Fingers Crossed

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mike and samI’ve been home for 5 days and I feel the best I have felt in MONTHS. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel somewhat normal.  It.  Is.  Amazing.  I hope I never take my health for granted ever again!  I haven’t had a single fever.  My throat is continuing to heal.  I’ve been eating for 5 days straight and haven’t used my feeding tube at all.  I can get it removed when I eat on my own for 2 weeks and maintain my weight.  My goal is to have it gone by February.  Food still tastes really really weird and has the most bizarre consistency in my mouth.  Some foods go down easier than others and it takes me about 2 hours to eat anything.  But I’m so so so happy about it!  I had Sam 3 days this week all by myself while Mike went to work and I feel like I’m finally meeting my baby all over again.  The kid is heavy and needs to be constantly moving- I blame Mike.  Yesterday, I drove my car for the first time in 6 weeks and Sam and I went to visit my friend, Esther.  Today Mike, Sam and I went out to lunch.  First time in 3.5 months.  We played the pass the baby game with each other.  Like normal first time parents taking turns eating and entertaining.  I wanted to cry at the simplicity of an everyday kind of action that I hadn’t gotten to experience.  I even think I am going to meet up with friends for dinner tonight.  It’s like I’m worried this won’t last forever and I want to soak it ALL UP.  Last week at this time I was practically comatose coming out of my biopsy and sweating through 3 sets of sheets.  I’ll probably be back in the hospital next week for exhaustion.  Kidding.I heard from the Pulmonary Doctor from Brigham today. None of my tests have come back positive.  There are no signs of infection or bacteria and most of the scary diseases have been ruled out too.  Some of the tests are still pending but my Dr. doesn’t seem to think anything is going to show up.  The news is good and bad.  It’s good because it means that most of the serious lung issues have been crossed off the list, but it’s bad because we still have no answers.  And we may never have answers.  It could still be something environmental.  We got rid of the humidifier that my lung doctor was VERY against anyway…  I had only used it because my throat was so dry and Sam sleeps in our room and well… everyone says babies need humidifiers!  They don’t think the humidifier is the likely culprit but again, anything is up for debate.I have 3 more days of antibiotics. I’m worried that once I stop, I’ll go back to feeling like hell again.  My Dr. relieved a little of that anxiety by reminding me that there are no signs of infection or bacteria and the antibiotics may be doing nothing at all.  We’ll see.  If I do regress, then they will have to do a big boy surgery of my lungs; take a larger piece and go in through a knife.  Please God, no.  If I continue to feel good, they will look at my lungs again when I get my PET Scan in March.  They will be able to see if the irregular pattern is still there or if they are clear.  If the pattern is still there and I feel good, then they will just watch me closely.Up until last night, I had been using my oxygen tank while sleeping. Because I’m feeling so much better and less winded, I’ve decided to take a break from it.  I can always go back to it.I’m a little worried about what it’s going to be like to finally reemerge. So many people know so many intimate things about me now… of course, I don’t mind, but it’s sort of a strange feeling.  Like being truly exposed.  I went to the bank today before lunch and I could tell that the friendly tellers knew that I have cancer.  But have they read my blog?  Do they know everything?  I preach truth and being honest so I’ll just walk the walk instead of only typing my talk.  It’s the only thing I can do and it’s actually kind of exciting.I have a feeling I’m going to suffer from some sort of PTSD sometime this Summer when all of this hits me. If I think about the past 4 months, I get SO anxious and even a little scared and skiddish.  If I think about the future, I am obviously nervous for cancer test results and this weird lung condition and even my skin cancer surgery next week… I have to constantly stay in the present.  It’s where I’m safe because it’s what is actually happening NOW.  That being said, I hope to God I’m on the up.  Fingers crossed, but if I continue to only live in the present, I can say I AM SO HAPPY TODAY.